UIUC Inauguration of Americas 46th President Field Notes

Explanation & Answer length: 7 pages

Field Note 1

February 8^th 2021

 

Description of Activity

 

This post is about a woman who says that her fiancé is afraid of her. He’s afraid of her because he says that,

“So I tossed his arm from around me. He gets up from bed saying he is afraid of me because I threw his arm off of me.”

She also describes how after fights he keeps following her around the house, even though she says that she needs space.

She says that, “During these arguments, I will say 10000x I need to be left alone for a while. But he won’t respect that and will follow me around trying to resolve the argument or will continue to argue. There have been some nights he will keep me up to 2 or 3 am so we don’t go to bed angry. One time it resulted in me having a full blown panic attack and throwing my phone because I felt suffocated by the fighting.”

She is asking the subreddit “I don’t know what to do from here or even how I can talk to my fiance about the incident.”

The vast majority of responses feel that the fiancé is in the wrong and that she is in an abusive relationship. Many people say that he is engaging her in emotional abuse. The most upvoted response says that,

 

“Your fiance sounds exhausting and emotionally abusive…”

This is how emotional abuse work.”

 

There are very few suggestions for therapy, or for any intervention. Most people are just saying “its emotional abuse”. I used the search function in windows and of the 56 comments only 4 mention therapy or counseling. Many more people mention telling the fiancé about the issue rather than breaking up or going to therapy.

The most controversial opinion is one person trying to analyze the fiance’s behavior. He says that,

“I don’t know the full extent of the physical confrontation so I can’t comment, though throwing things is unacceptable.

I have a question about your fiancé and his upbringing. This may be a possible explanation of the behavior. Did he have a troubled childhood with lots of repressed anger and gas lighting from his parents. This type of thing is common in people that were raised by narcissists. There is a fear and almost crippling anxiety from the walking on egg shells feelings that come from knowing someone is mad and it not being addressed. It takes a very long time to get over without proper help. Might not be what is going on but the behavior is consistent.

If that is the case your SO has the same anxiety about not addressing this as you do about it. I would highly recommend talking this out and seeking help for both of your emotional issues, your fear and abuse by your mother, and his issues causing this need.

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/lfa088/my_fiance_said_he_is_afraid_of_me/

 

Reflections

I was surprised that no one mentioned going to therapy. Even more surprising is so many people not mentioning a response at all. It seemed they all were just saying “its abuse” with no suggestions for help. It seems like they just want to tell her its wrong, and why its wrong but with no suggestions to help. That made me feel bad; I’m sure she would prefer to get actual suggestions for what to do. Just telling her its bad isn’t helping her.

 

Emerging Questions/Analyses

I wonder why no one is suggesting more ways to help? Is that common in this subreddit? When I look at other posts will people start to suggest more ways to help? Maybe there is something unique about this post rather than a unique aspect of this subreddit.

 

Future Action

Next week I’m going to keep looking at this subreddit, with a particular focus on if the other posts are similar to this post.